AR RUTBAH, Iraq—Troops from the U.S. Army’s 113th Mobile Pundit Reconnaissance Squadron Tuesday uncovered what appears to have been a secret New York Times headline facility in western Iraq.

The cache, called “disturbing” by military commanders, was discovered in a vacant lot during a routine patrol in Ar Rutbah, about 350 kilometers west of Baghdad, according to Army Lt. Col. Tim Wright, a Zeitgeist Specialist with the 113th.

“It was in a poorly camouflaged bunker,” said Wright. “In addition to 30 large barrels of contingency headlines, we also found three sneer quote generators, artificial conclusion synthesizers, hysteria protection masks, and trace elements of Maureen Dowd’s liver spot cream.”

Wright also said preliminary testing indicated that New York Times editor R.W. Apple and columnist Paul Krugman may have recently been in the area. “Our sanctimony and condescension detectors were definitely spiking,” Wright said.

Military commanders Tuesday released a portion of the decrypted contents from several of the contingency headline containers, offering a glimpse into the publication’s post-war strategy:

Chaos Reigns as Looters Run Rampant in Iraq
Brutality Criticized as US Troops Crack Down on Iraqi ‘Looters’
Ghostly Calm in Iraq as Soldiers Fight Homesickness, Boredom
Teenage Loiterers Plague New Baghdad Galleria Food Court

Command officials in Doha said the container contents indicated the effort was designed to reach beyond Iraq’s borders and extend to world capitals:

Chirac: Rebuilding Effort Must Include Role for UN, France
Chirac Demands Role for French Oil Companies
Chirac Demands French Role in Iraq Banking System
French ex-President Chirac Demands Free Egg Roll at Wok N Go

Part of the strategy, according to military analysts, was to foment continued opposition to the war:

Thousands Protest in Paris as Iraq Occupation Continues
Hundreds Protest in Berlin as Vandals Destroy Priceless Saddam Statues
Dozens Protest in Montreal as Expos Move Franchise to Baghdad
Martha Burke Protests Iraqi Open at All-Male Basra Country Club

“We expected something along these lines, but nothing to the extent we’ve so far discovered,” said Wright, who noted the newspaper’s apparent targeting of the gulf between Iraqi and Western mores:

Iraqis Reject Consumerist Culture of US ‘Liberators’
Obesity Epidemic in Iraq Linked to Krispy Kreme Craze
Iraqi Woman Files Suit Over Coffee Spill at Umm Qasr McDonalds

Despite the size of the stockpile, some officials doubted whether The New York Times actually intended to use the headlines. “Even when weaponized, these things don’t really pack a punch anymore,” said Wright. “The shock and awe appear to have worn thin in this case.”